JESS sits on a chair on one end of the stage. Faces and speaks toward audience.
MICHAEL, FRANNIE, and EMMA sit on a panel of chairs on the other side. Face audience, speak toward JESS.

All #s should be pronounced “hashtag” aloud. / denotes interruption.

JESS
Stop telling me about your cats. No one cares about the freaking cats!

FRANNIE
My Lil Shmuffy is the absolute cutest! #catsarethecutest!

JESS
Stop. Telling. Me. About your cats. I don’t care.

FRANNIE
Look! Shmuffy’s drinking my bottle of wine! #catsarethecutest!

JESS
Do you even get how hashtags—

FRANNIE
#CATSARETHECUTEST!!!

JESS
I’m going to unfriend you, I’m not even kid—

FRANNIE
This is my Schmuffy in a beanie I made him! #catinthehat

JESS
(Sighs. Groans.) #catsarethe/cutest?

FRANNIE
/#catsarethegoshdarncutest!

JESS
Absolutely not! Frannie, get off. Spend more time with your cat or something. Geez, some people are so… so goddamn alone, so—

FRANNIE
Schmuffy learned his first word today!

JESS
NO. JUST NO.

FRANNIE
#meow #catsarethe—

JESS
NO ONE. CARES. ABOUT YOUR CATS. Seriously.
Shut. Up.

FRANNIE gets up and walks off stage, distracted by muttering to herself about cats.

JESS
Thank God, it was about time—

MICHAEL
It’s about time the American government takes responsibilities for its actions and expels all Republicans from its midst. This journalist compared George Bush to… who was it again? Right—

JESS
Not this again. Who do you think is listening, Michael??

MICHAEL
Hitler, which is exactly correct because George Bush caused 9/11 and the proof is in the pudding. That is, the pudding that the terrorists planted at Ground Zero…

JESS
Mikey, you’re a crackpot. Just because Aunt Gemma dropped you on your head and broke your—

MICHAEL
BREAKING NEWS! Actual pudding found at ground zero! This is actual proof that the terrorists have won! I’m moving to Canada and then—

JESS
No one gives a shit, Mikey. Go move to Canada and never come back and never use the internet ever again, because no one cares!

MICHAEL gets up and walks offstage, distracted by muttering to himself about pudding conspiracies.

JESS
Hey, where’s Frannie?
(Pause. Silence.)
Frannie?
No one cares about your cats, Frannie! No one cares!
(Pause.)
Frannie probably went to shave her cat to make herself a wig or a coat or something, ew, I don’t even want to know. I won’t/even ask.

EMMA
/Don’t even ask. Today was the absolute worst and I don’t want to talk about it. #boyfriendsareliarsandcheaters #ibetyouregay

JESS
Don’t want to talk about it, huh? (Laughs, shakes head) So don’t! You’re clogging my—

EMMA
My veins flow but my heart has been stolen #comebacktome

JESS
(Shakes head) Ew. Stop. No one liked it when you guys were together, and no one likes your stupid melodrama, no one cares, and no one cares when you’re obviously going to get—

EMMA
WE GOT BACK TOGETHER!!! I knew it was true love at first sight and I love you, I love you in the pouring rain!!! #taylorswift #bestboyfriendever #truelove

JESS
Nope. I’ve had enough of this play-by-play. (laughs) Speaking of, I wonder if she knows he’s banging the entire football—

EMMA
Everyone needs to be more sensitive about Michael. He’s gay and that’s okay because Macklemore said so #samelove

JESS
Macklemore… what? That’s really the only reason you can think of? No. Last straw. I don’t give a flying flip about what you think about your boyfriend’s boyfriends and clearly neither does he (laughs).
I don’t want to know! No one cares!

EMMA gets up and walks offstage, distracted by muttering to herself about Michael.

JESS
Speaking of, where has Michael been lately? Did he actually move to— (laughs) move to Canada like he promised he would?
(Pause. Silence.)

(Jess stands up and paces around the stage.)

Finally
I’m done with those ridiculous rants and conspiracies and political whatever-the-hell-that-was.
(Cups hands around mouth, shouts) Nobody cares, Michael!
(Pause.)

What was that thing about pudding again?
Mikey?
I don’t want to know, Mikey!
Emma, NO ONE CARES!
For real, Frannie, shut up, no one cares about your cat!
(Laughs. Pause.)
Emma, your boyfriend is cheating on the football players with… with… hello?
(Long pause.)

JESS walks off stage, while saying next line and shaking her head.

JESS
No one cares.

 

END SCENE