JESS sits on a chair on one end of the stage. Faces and speaks toward audience.
MICHAEL, FRANNIE, and EMMA sit on a panel of chairs on the other side. Face audience, speak toward JESS.

All #s should be pronounced “hashtag” aloud. / denotes interruption.

JESS
Stop telling me about your cats. No one cares about the freaking cats!

FRANNIE
My Lil Shmuffy is the absolute cutest! #catsarethecutest!

JESS
Stop. Telling. Me. About your cats. I don’t care.

FRANNIE
Look! Shmuffy’s drinking my bottle of wine! #catsarethecutest!

JESS
Do you even get how hashtags—

FRANNIE
#CATSARETHECUTEST!!!

JESS
I’m going to unfriend you, I’m not even kid—

FRANNIE
This is my Schmuffy in a beanie I made him! #catinthehat

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from Craigslist:
WANTED POOL SLIDE (LONG ISLAND)
Date: 2010-03-08, 6:52 PM EST
lOOKING TO BUY A USED POOL SLIDE FOR POOL . WILL PICK UP

Jonny, 17, wades in the middle of an indoor Olympic sized pool, looking towards Frank.
Frank, 16, stands at the top of a ladder above a pool slide.

Jonny: Dude, I… um…
Frank: What? Spit it out.
J: You’re… you’re too fat Frank. Don’t do it.
F: Voice rising- What are you worried about? I’ll break the slide? Attempts at a smile.
Jonny dunks underwater.
F: JONNY!
J: Rises from water, pulls back hair and squints his eyes- What?
F: You think I’m too fat for the slide.
J: Well, no, it’s not exactly that… just that… my parents trusted me with the pool while they’re in Switzerland and…
F: And you think my fat ass will break the slide.
J: Um… yeah. Yes.
F: You’re kidding me. I’ll pay for the freaking slide if I break it, okay? I’ll put an ad on Craigslist or something for a used slide! Laughs– Does that work for you?
J: Sighs- Whatever. Go for it, dude.